Pretty sure that I took both of these pictures yesterday, on my blessed day off. Even on a day off though, I had to spend way more time than I liked cleaning and doing home improvement stuff. Ah well. It feels good to actually get things done around the house, and live in a clean place. I need it to stay sane. At the end of the day, I felt totally accomplished with what got done and enjoyed some well earned TV time with my feet kicked up. Hopefully the house stays in decent shape until I can attack it again on Thursday ;p
Jayson loves chocolate milk and his dragon costume. I love his chocolate milk mustache and crazy long wavy hair that desperately needs a haircut! Glad that I managed to get a picture of him this week :]
Yes I let my children watch Dora. As a matter of fact, she is my favorite babysitter sometimes! Especially when we are working on picture hanging--it's only at least a month overdue lol. Anyway, this is one of my new picture arrangements. It means a lot to me, because I love my children to death (even if they drive me to an early death some days)! All three of them. I will always miss and think about Zoey. It's been almost three months since we lost her, and I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't think about what pregnancy would be like right now (at nearly 27 weeks), who should would have been, or whose features she would have been lucky enough to take after. She is just as real to me as the boys are, even if there will never be any physical evidence of her in this life.
I haven't given myself permission to speak very publicly about my deeper feelings involving Zoey, mostly because I felt shame at the fact that I might still be grieving three months after a 14 week miscarriage. Imagine that! It seems that society puts such a strange timeline on grief for a miscarriage. It's like I should just instantly bounce back because I never held her or felt her kicks from the inside. Or because she never took her first breath, she was never alive and consequently doesn't deserve much more than a second thought. I've decided that I'm not buying into that mentality as of this week.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant with her, I was embarrassed to admit the truth to people--that I was mostly excited about having three children so close together--because I was afraid of what they would think about me having another child, when I already worked so much. I was more afraid of what others thought of me and my parenting, than taking time to be proud of my future son/daughter. If I could go back and change things, a big one would be telling people the truth, and not caring so much what they thought. I was scared to death of how to handle everything, but already absolutely positively 100% in love with my new child. Instead of telling them that, I told people she was a surprise and that I had no idea how we were going to make do. While true, it makes me so sad now to think that I couldn't be more honest about my excitement. And so I've decided things are gonna change. I am done hiding behind those kind of feelings. I am done not ever talking about her, just because it might be socially strange. I am her mom, and I want to let the world know that I will always be proud of her and love her, just like I would have been if she grew up in our home! I want to honor her memory and remember her always, so that is why her "going home outfit" will always have a place on my wall. Maybe this was a little personal for everyone to read, but thanks for going there with me, because I really needed to get that off my chest.
In other fun news, Max still has an ear infection. Pretty sure it's getting worse. Now that he has tubes, and I can see the stuff that drains out of them, I feel so terrible to think back to all of that being stuck in his ears pre-surgery; no wonder he was so miserable a lot of the time. Of course our ENT doctor is out of the office this week, we sure can pick great times to be sick. We just get to keep doing the eardrops, along with an oral antibiotic. I hate those, cause they equal diaper rash pretty much. I wonder what they are going to do to help Max get better, or if there is anything that they can do. I really pray there is. From what I can find online (and there isn't a ton) if kids keep getting ear infections after tubes, the next step would be to get the adenoids out. I've kind of been championing that the whole time, but the doctor said his adenoids weren't enlarged, so I let it go. Thinking it's time to get back on that horse and suggest it again. I don't know if we just got really lucky, but after Jayson's tonsil and adenoid removal, he didn't get nearly as sick as before the surgery. We will see how it all plays out next Tuesday I guess. In the meanwhile, I'm praying that he is not too uncomfortable and heals some.
P.S. On Saturday it will be 200 weeks since Sam and I got married, woohoo! I'm thinking this calls for some kind of fun celebration soon :]
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